Janice McCabe is an associate professor of sociology at Dartmouth College, and she has some advice on "How To Make New Friends In The New Year." That link should take you to an article that appeared in The New York Times, but online, you'll find the headline is a little different.
McCabe says that if we are having difficulties making new friends the problem isn't, necessarily, our own social awkwardness - which is what we often tell ourselves is the problem. According to McCabe, we may simply not be in a thriving "Friendship Market." Here's a quick explanation of what she is talking about:
In a thriving friendship market, a majority of people in a particular setting are interested in “buying” or “selling” friendship. For example, middle schoolers merging into a new high school, or first-year students arriving at college. New connections abound.
But we spend much of our lives in weaker friendship markets, where people are open to conversation, but not connection. A parent shows up at a P.T.A. meeting, and even if others are friendly, they keep their distance. Or people move to a new city for work, and acquaintances don’t turn toward their bids for connection. Even intentionally putting yourself out there doesn’t inspire reciprocation if a friendship market has closed: Others already have fully formed friend groups.
Since I am always telling people, by way of these daily blog postings, that they should "Find Some Friends," I was naturally interested in what McCabe had to say, by way of advice. She suggests the following:
The key ... is not just to start an activity or join a club so you can meet new people. It’s to join one related to a new sense of self or an identity you’re looking to deepen (emphasis added).
I realized, as I read McCabe's article, that when I tell people that they should "Find Some Friends," that what I am really urging them to do is to seek out a "friendship market" in which those who show up to shop are trying to transform themselves into effective and powerful political actors, to accomplish a political purpose. Let me make myself clear to those who may have read my "Find Some Friends" admonition before. That bolded statement is exactly what I mean when I say "Find Some Friends."
I can tell you from personal experience that showing up in a meeting of a small group of people who were trying to mobilize their power and the power of the community to "Save Lighthouse Field" (and who met, weekly and in-person) was personally transformative for me, and I made friendships through those weekly, in-person meetings that are still vital and active, fifty-plus years later.
Plus: The friendships that were forged within the Save Lighthouse Point Accociation have not only lasted for a lifetime, but also led to a kind of civic and political revolution in my hometown that has "made all the difference," to cite to Robert Frost's wonderful poem about choice.
So, let me say it again: Find Some Friends (and help change the world)!
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